Last Updated on July 18, 2024 by Ryan
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Sexual fantasies tend to push boundaries, mix things up, and let you delve into your deepest desires. They’re a part of you that, even if kept hidden, should not cause shame.
“In my own research on the subject, I find that more than 98 percent of men report having fantasies,” notes Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in Bloomington and the author of Tell Me What You Want. Sex therapists concur that these fantasies are not typically signs of dissatisfaction with one’s current partner.
Dr. Lehmiller conducted a survey involving over 4,000 American adults about their sexual fantasies for his book, revealing some scenarios more common than others. His findings, corroborated by other sex therapists, identify six frequent sexual fantasies among men, and provide tips for integrating this excitement into your real-life bedroom activities. Generally, the nature of these fantasies remains consistent across different sexual orientations, with only the gender of the partner varying.
His Partner Initiates and Assumes Control
Fantasizing offers a delightful escape from reality, and the notion of your partner taking the reins for the evening—especially if you’re usually the dominant one—can be a refreshing change in the bedroom. “Sexual surrender is a way to say, ‘I need you to take control. I need to submit to you,'” explains Dan Lacovara, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Center for Healthy Sex in Washington, DC.
To introduce your partner to this kind of role swap, or any fantasy, it’s important to consider the depth of your relationship. “If you’re at a second-date scenario, what do you have to lose?” poses Andrew Smiler, PhD, a sex therapist in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and author of Dating and Sex. He notes that the stakes of rejection are lower early on as the investment in the relationship is minimal. “If you’re with a long-term partner, you have more to lose — but you may have a better sense of how to approach the conversation.”
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A Threesome
Many men, regardless of their sexual orientation, are intrigued by the idea of having multiple partners in a sexual encounter. Contrary to the typical assumptions about threesomes, it’s not merely about adding someone new for one’s own pleasure. “Many men are excited about the concept of their partner being pleasured by someone else,” notes Lacovara.
Arranging a threesome can be trickier than engaging in other common fantasies. “Jealousy and insecurity come into play,” Lacovara explains. (This is in addition to the practical challenges of finding a third participant.) “For some people, sex is an intimate two-person experience for them, and they aren’t comfortable with that being interrupted.”
However, if your partner is willing to experiment, you might find that the third person introduces something surprisingly stimulating that you hadn’t considered before. “You both can learn a trick or two,” he suggests.
He’s Tied Up, Teased, and Spanked
This fantasy propels the idea of sexual surrender into a more daring realm. Men from all sexual backgrounds may fantasize about being submissive, but those who identify as non-heterosexual often have more BDSM-related fantasies compared to their heterosexual peers. “I think this is at least partly explained by the fact that gay, bisexual, and pansexual men have already violated the norm of heterosexuality, which makes it less costly to violate other sexual norms and explore their sexuality fully,” Lehmiller explains.
If you’re thinking of discussing this with your partner, be aware that they might be concerned about the possibility of causing you harm. “It can be triggering to some partners to feel comfortable with pain exchange,” mentions Lacovara. To alleviate their worries, consider establishing a safe word or phrase—a prearranged signal that will immediately halt any sexual activity without any questions or judgments.
Sex in a Public Place
This type of fantasy is typically considered taboo. “For most people who are into exhibitionism, the turn-on is that it’s naughty,” notes Lacovara. “It’s something that people aren’t supposed to do, and the arousal isn’t just genital.” He adds that the body also experiences a rush of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that delivers a feeling of pleasure.
If you’re interested in exploring this with your partner, be ready to negotiate, as it’s quite common for someone to be uncomfortable with the idea of being seen during sex—or the risk of legal trouble. “Ask your partner if they’re willing to dip a toe into the fantasy. Exhibitionism can be something that’s not so overt,” suggests Lacovara. You might start by being intimate in front of a window in your own home, rather than in a more public and risky setting like a city park during the day.
Pleasure Blended With Pain
Smiler observes that fantasies involving BDSM power dynamics, rough sex, and even choking have gained popularity alongside their increased representation in pornography. “Rough sex is a flavor that some men want on occasion, but not always as a regular flavor,” he remarks. “If you have to be very controlled in your daily life and you’re not allowed to have certain thoughts, in your fantasies, that’s a place where those desires are allowed to come out.”
If you’re drawn to the idea of tying up, spanking, or pegging your partner, trying it out can be exhilarating. However, it’s essential to establish clear communication with your partner beforehand. “Say right up front, ‘I want to talk about this, and it’s kind of tricky for me,’” advises Lacovara. “Partners need to talk about sex together, and you need to make sure there is a safe space for that.”
Role-Play
Whether you’re into dressing up as a cowboy, a construction worker, or a butler (whatever floats your boat), this kind of fantasy is essentially cosplay. “You want to pretend to be something or someone different, and that can be one of the more playful parts of sex,” explains Lacovara. “It’s very collaborative, and you are creating a whole new narrative when you’re role-playing.”
Lacovara adds that if this type of fantasy excites you, it’s one of the simplest to bring to life. “These scenarios are low-risk, and even if it’s not working, it can become very funny,” he notes. “The only real downside to it is how much you may need to invest in costumes.”
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Meet Kourtney, a writer specializing in sex and relationships. Known for her honest and insightful approach, she explores themes of intimacy and personal growth. Her work combines personal anecdotes, expert opinions, and practical advice, helping readers navigate the complexities of modern relationships and embrace their desires. Kourtney's writing serves as a guide for those seeking authentic and fulfilling connections.