Sex, Screens, and Loneliness: How Porn and Abstinence is Shaping Gen Z Views on Love and Intimacy 2025

Last Updated on January 13, 2025 by Nicole

Pornography is more accessible than ever, and for Gen Z—the first generation to grow up with smartphones—it’s practically unavoidable. From TikTok trends to memes that normalize sexualized content, digital culture has made exposure to porn not just easy but almost inevitable. This constant exposure shapes the way young people think about sex, often before they have a chance to form their own understanding.

On the other hand, abstinence has also gained traction among Gen Z as part of a broader movement to prioritize mental health, self-respect, and intentional connections. While some see it as a counterbalance to the hypersexualized digital culture, it too raises questions about what it teaches—or fails to teach—about intimacy, connection, and pleasure.

But while porn might be a go-to for exploring sexuality, it also raises big questions: What is it really teaching us about intimacy, connection, and pleasure? And more importantly, what is it leaving out?

A Changing Sexual Landscape: Gen Z and Abstinence

Contrary to the hypersexualized portrayals of teenagers in media like Euphoria or Riverdale, Gen Z is shifting away from early sexual activity. Abstinence, whether intentional or circumstantial, is becoming a more common choice among young people, reflecting a focus on self-development and emotional well-being. According to “Teens and Screens 2023,” a UCLA study, nearly half of Gen Z respondents feel that sex scenes in media are unnecessary to the plot, and many say they’re tired of romance in general. This aligns with broader trends: fewer than 40% of high schoolers today report being sexually active, compared to the majority in the 1990s.

At first glance, this decrease in teen sexual activity seems like a win. Studies show that delaying sexual activity has numerous benefits, including better mental health and fewer risks of STIs or unplanned pregnancies. Teenage girls, in particular, often experience increased anxiety and depression from casual sexual relationships due to the emotional bonding hormones involved. However, the absence of physical intimacy hasn’t meant an absence of sexual exploration. Instead, many teens are turning to pornography.

The Porn Boom: A Gen Z Phenomenon

The rise of internet porn has created a seismic shift in how young people learn about sex. According to Common Sense Media, nearly half of teens between 13 and 17 years old actively view pornography, with the average age of first exposure being just 12 years old. Even more troubling, 15% of teens report seeing porn for the first time before the age of 10. This early exposure is happening on personal devices, often at school or with school-issued technology, making porn nearly unavoidable for this generation.

Experts describe pornography as a “drug for the mind,” capable of creating addictive feedback loops that shape how young people view themselves and others. Similarly, abstinence-only approaches can sometimes oversimplify the complexities of relationships, leaving gaps in understanding intimacy and consent. Over time, frequent consumption of porn can rewire the brain, reinforcing harmful ideas like sexual objectification, aggressive behaviors, and a transactional view of relationships. A study in 2020 even found that regular porn users were more likely to dehumanize others and justify sexual violence.

What Porn Is Teaching Us About Pleasure

Let’s break it down—porn teaches viewers a lot about sex, but not all of it is helpful or healthy:

1. Performance Over Connection

Mainstream porn emphasizes performance rather than mutual pleasure. Similarly, abstinence movements often frame sexuality through the lens of restraint rather than exploration, creating another limited perspective. This aligns with societal trends that focus on appearances and external validation—themes familiar to Gen Z through social media. Fast-paced encounters, exaggerated reactions, and a lack of emotional intimacy can leave viewers thinking that’s all sex is about.

2. The “Male Gaze” Problem

Porn is largely created through the lens of the “male gaze,” prioritizing male satisfaction and sidelining female pleasure. A 2019 analysis of popular porn films found that only 18% of scenes depicted women orgasming, reinforcing the orgasm gap discussed earlier.

3. Reinforcing Harmful Stereotypes

Porn often perpetuates damaging stereotypes about gender roles, race, and body types. Women are frequently portrayed as submissive, while men are shown as dominant and emotionless. These portrayals can skew perceptions of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

4. Lack of Authenticity

Real sex isn’t all flawless bodies and perfectly timed climaxes, but porn rarely shows the awkwardness, communication, or vulnerability that come with genuine intimacy. Similarly, abstinence-only narratives often skip discussions about navigating these realities when the time for intimacy does come. For Gen Z, who often encounter highly filtered realities online, this lack of authenticity can lead to feelings of inadequacy.

What Porn Gets Wrong About Intimacy

While porn can be entertaining and even educational in certain contexts, it often fails to depict essential elements of healthy intimacy:

• Consent Is Rarely Shown: In real life, consent is sexy and essential. Porn skips over the communication and mutual agreement that should precede any sexual act.
• Emotional Connection Is Absent: Healthy relationships involve trust, respect, and emotional intimacy. Porn reduces these to mere physicality.
• Diversity Is Lacking: Mainstream porn excludes diverse body types, sexual orientations, and abilities, creating a narrow view of what’s “desirable.”

The Consequences of a Porn-First Education

For many teens, porn becomes their first and primary introduction to sex. According to a 2021 survey, 45% of teens believe that porn provides helpful information about sex. Unfortunately, much of that “information” is false and harmful:

• Skewed Expectations: A Center for Countering Digital Hate survey found that 63% of Gen Z women felt pressured to emulate the performers they see in porn, leading to body image issues and unrealistic sexual standards.
• Desensitization and Objectification: Frequent exposure to porn can lead to desensitization, making intimacy feel less significant. It can also foster a view of romantic partners as objects rather than equals.
• Difficulty Forming Real Connections: As teens spend more time consuming digital intimacy, they spend less time forming face-to-face connections. An astonishing 73% of Gen Z teens report feeling alone, despite being the most connected generation online.

Reclaiming Pleasure: What’s Missing and How to Fill the Gaps

So, if porn is falling short, how can Gen Z redefine pleasure and intimacy on their own terms? Here are some steps:

1. Expand Your Sex Education

Sex ed shouldn’t stop at biology. It should also encompass discussions around abstinence as a valid choice, alongside consent, communication, and pleasure. Seek out resources that address these topics holistically. Books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski or podcasts like Sex With Emily offer nuanced insights.

2. Explore Ethical Porn

Not all porn is harmful. Ethical porn prioritizes consent, diversity, and authentic pleasure. Websites like Bellesa and FrolicMe showcase more realistic depictions of sex.

3. Focus on Friendships

Gen Z overwhelmingly says they want more models of friendship in media. Strong friendships lay the foundation for future healthy romantic relationships and provide the emotional support needed during adolescence.

4. Normalize Self-Exploration

Understanding your own body is key to understanding pleasure. Masturbation and self-exploration are empowering tools for self-awareness.

5. Emphasize Connection Over Performance

Real intimacy isn’t about mimicking porn; it’s about connecting with your partner. Vulnerability, laughter, and communication can make sex more meaningful and satisfying.

Celebrities Challenging the Narrative

Some public figures are helping to reshape how we talk about sex and intimacy:

• Billie Eilish: In a 2021 interview, Billie shared how early exposure to porn distorted her views of sex and relationships, sparking widespread discussion among her fans.
• Florence Given: The influencer and author frequently promotes self-love and challenges societal norms around female pleasure.
• Jameela Jamil: As an activist, Jameela calls out harmful media depictions of sex and advocates for healthier conversations about intimacy.

The Bottom Line

Gen Z is charting a new course, redefining what intimacy and connection mean in a digital-first world. While porn is here to stay, and abstinence is increasingly seen as a deliberate choice for fostering clarity and self-discovery, neither has to dictate how we view pleasure. By seeking authentic friendships, embracing self-exploration, and prioritizing emotional connections, Gen Z has the opportunity to lead a cultural shift toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Let’s keep this conversation going. Share this with your friends, discuss it openly, and redefine what pleasure means for you. After all, your satisfaction is your power—and it’s time to own it.