Last Updated on August 13, 2024 by Jazmin Thadani
Sexual fantasies tend to push boundaries, mix things up, and let you delve into your deepest desires. They’re a part of you that, even if kept hidden, should not cause shame. When exploring the top sexual fantasies for men, you’ll find that they play a significant role in understanding personal desires.
“In my research on the subject of top sexual fantasies for men, I find that more than 98 percent of men report having fantasies,” notes Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in Bloomington and the author of Tell Me What You Want. Sex therapists concur that these top sexual fantasies for men are not typically signs of dissatisfaction with one’s current partner.
Dr. Lehmiller conducted a survey involving over 4,000 American adults about their top sexual fantasies for men for his book, revealing some scenarios more common than others. His findings, corroborated by other sex therapists, identify six frequent top sexual fantasies for men and provide tips for integrating this excitement into your real-life bedroom activities. Generally, the nature of these top sexual fantasies for men remains consistent across different sexual orientations, with only the gender of the partner varying.
6 Top Sexual Fantasies for Men
His Partner Initiates and Assumes Control
Fantasizing offers a delightful escape from reality, and the notion of your partner taking the reins for the evening—especially if you’re usually the dominant one—can be a refreshing change in the bedroom. Exploring top sexual fantasies for men, such as sexual surrender, is a way to say, “I need you to take control. I need to submit to you,” explains Dan Lacovara, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Center for Healthy Sex in Washington, DC.
To introduce your partner to this kind of role swap or any top sexual fantasies for men, it’s important to consider the depth of your relationship. “If you’re at a second-date scenario, what do you have to lose?” poses Andrew Smiler, PhD, a sex therapist in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and author of Dating and Sex. He notes that the stakes of rejection are lower early on as the investment in the relationship is minimal. “If you’re with a long-term partner, you have more to lose — but you may have a better sense of how to approach the conversation about top sexual fantasies for men.”
A Threesome
Many men, regardless of their sexual orientation, are intrigued by the idea of having multiple partners in a sexual encounter. This is one of the top sexual fantasies for men. Contrary to the typical assumptions about threesomes, it’s not merely about adding someone new for one’s own pleasure. Many men are excited about the concept of their partner being pleasured by someone else, which is a common theme among top sexual fantasies for men, notes Lacovara.
Arranging a threesome can be trickier than engaging in other common fantasies. Jealousy and insecurity come into play, which is also part of the top sexual fantasies for men. Lacovara explains this is in addition to the practical challenges of finding a third participant. For some people, sex is an intimate two-person experience for them, and they aren’t comfortable with that being interrupted, which is often mentioned in discussions about top sexual fantasies for men.
However, if your partner is willing to experiment, you might find that the third person introduces something surprisingly stimulating that you hadn’t considered before, making it one of the most engaging top sexual fantasies for men. “You both can learn a trick or two,” he suggests.
He’s Tied Up, Teased, and Spanked
This fantasy propels the idea of top sexual fantasies for men into a more daring realm. Men from all sexual backgrounds may fantasize about being submissive, but those who identify as non-heterosexual often have more BDSM-related top sexual fantasies for men compared to their heterosexual peers. “I think this is at least partly explained by the fact that gay, bisexual, and pansexual men have already violated the norm of heterosexuality, which makes it less costly to violate other sexual norms and explore their sexuality fully,” Lehmiller explains.
If you’re thinking of discussing top sexual fantasies for men with your partner, be aware that they might be concerned about the possibility of causing you harm. “It can be triggering to some partners to feel comfortable with pain exchange,” mentions Lacovara. To alleviate their worries, consider establishing a safe word or phrase—a prearranged signal that will immediately halt any sexual activity without any questions or judgments.
Sex in a Public Place
This type of fantasy is typically considered taboo. “For most people who are into exhibitionism, the turn-on is that it’s naughty,” notes Lacovara. “It’s something that people aren’t supposed to do, and the arousal isn’t just genital.” He adds that the body also experiences a rush of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that delivers a feeling of pleasure.
If you’re interested in exploring this with your partner, be ready to negotiate, as it’s quite common for someone to be uncomfortable with the idea of being seen during sex—or the risk of legal trouble. “Ask your partner if they’re willing to dip a toe into the fantasy. Exhibitionism can be something that’s not so overt,” suggests Lacovara. You might start by being intimate in front of a window in your own home, rather than in a more public and risky setting like a city park during the day.
Pleasure Blended With Pain
Smiler observes that fantasies involving BDSM power dynamics, rough sex, and even choking have gained popularity alongside their increased representation in pornography. “Rough sex is a flavor that some men want on occasion, but not always as a regular flavor,” he remarks. “If you have to be very controlled in your daily life and you’re not allowed to have certain thoughts, in your fantasies, that’s a place where those desires are allowed to come out.”
If you’re drawn to the idea of tying up, spanking, or pegging your partner, trying it out can be exhilarating. However, it’s essential to establish clear communication with your partner beforehand. “Say right up front, ‘I want to talk about this, and it’s kind of tricky for me,’” advises Lacovara. “Partners need to talk about sex together, and you need to make sure there is a safe space for that.”
Role-Play
Whether you’re into dressing up as a cowboy, a construction worker, or a butler (whatever floats your boat), this kind of fantasy is essentially cosplay. “You want to pretend to be something or someone different, and that can be one of the more playful parts of sex,” explains Lacovara. “It’s very collaborative, and you are creating a whole new narrative when you’re role-playing.”
Lacovara adds that if this type of fantasy excites you, it’s one of the simplest to bring to life. “These scenarios are low-risk, and even if it’s not working, it can become very funny,” he notes. “The only real downside to it is how much you may need to invest in costumes.”
Final Words
In conclusion, understanding and exploring sexual fantasies can be a key component in enhancing intimacy and personal satisfaction. The six ultimate desires for men discussed here offer a glimpse into the diverse and complex nature of sexual imagination. While these fantasies may vary widely, they all underscore the importance of open communication and mutual respect in any relationship.
Embracing these desires, whether through open dialogue or consensual exploration, can lead to a deeper connection and more fulfilling experiences. Remember, the key to a satisfying and healthy sexual relationship is not just in the fantasies themselves, but in how you and your partner engage with them thoughtfully and respectfully.
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What is America’s #1 sexual fantasy?
The largest-ever survey on the subject found that adding a third (or fourth) person to the mix is the most prevalent sexual dream among adult Americans.
What are fantasy types sexual?
Men are more likely than women to report having exploratory, intimate, impersonal, or sadomasochistic sexual fantasies, to name a few of the trends that have consistently surfaced.
What age do people have first sexual fantasy?
Early in life, sexual desires start to emerge. For most people, they start between the ages of eleven and thirteen.
Meet Kourtney, a writer specializing in sex and relationships. Known for her honest and insightful approach, she explores themes of intimacy and personal growth. Her work combines personal anecdotes, expert opinions, and practical advice, helping readers navigate the complexities of modern relationships and embrace their desires. Kourtney's writing serves as a guide for those seeking authentic and fulfilling connections.